The storm from within

Have you ever thought about why you continue to think about the storm within?  Focusing on only the negative in your life?  Sometimes it may feel like the only thing that is happening in your life is negative. Do you think you create that?

I can say that I never believed for one second that negative will continue to happen.  I do believe that you have the power to manifest your surroundings. Your experiences by focusing only on the negative; or positive.  This doesn’t mean that you pretend that difficult times don’t exist.  It means that if you go within and experience the storm that is there and move through it, you may be able to find that light that is shining quietly behind that storm.

Sometimes we can get stuck in the storm though.  I too have been there.  When my son took his life, I was there.  And I would be the first one to say, rightfully so!  I felt that my life had ended.  I couldn’t think about anything.  I barely could breathe and it felt as if I had a cinderblock on my shoulders.  All I could feel was the pain and the loss I was experiencing at that time.  Nothing else mattered.  I often didn’t get out of bed and when I did, I went hunting all over the house to find photos of my son, to look on Facebook for the postings about him, to find anything I could to feel the connection to him and thought about nothing other than him and how I would continue to exist.

I continued to manifest that pain and loss until one day I was so wrecked with pain that I went to his burial spot.  I planted myself right beside his marker (where some of his ashes existed).  All it took was for me to touch his stone and the flood gates burst open.  I cried from deep within my soul.  Before I knew it, I was begging for God to take me too.  I didn’t want to live, I didn’t want to go on. The desperate sobs carried on for what seemed like an eternity.  I begged again and again for the Higher Power to take me too.  I didn’t want to live any longer.  All I truly wanted at that very moment was to be with my son.

Then, I heard my phone buzz.  Before I could look at my phone I had to pull out the Kleenex that followed me around these days.  Wipe my face and nose and try to read the text through my blurry vision.  That phone buzzed with a message from a friend who had said if I received a text from him that was odd or curious, it was because he was thinking about me and that he couldn’t text very well so it was be a “pre-made” text.  All it said was, “Whatcha wearing?”  Through the tears streaming down my face still, I burst out laughing!  I had thought for sure that someone had told him that I was there.  So, I called him and asked how he knew I was visiting Logan’s grave.  He explained he didn’t know and that he was just thinking of me.

That was the day I decided to invest in the storm within.  I realized at that point, that there were so many people in my life that cared about me; including my daughter that was left behind to deal with the after effects of suicide.  It was also then that it came to me that if this happened in my life, I needed to help others.  I needed to dedicate my life to speaking out about the need to work on your sadness, your challenges, and your history in order to move through your life with the light within.

It’s taken seven years to get to where I am today.  There were a lot of dark days and nights, some very difficult discussions with my friends, my counselors, my family, and myself.  I made the decision to feel the pain, to work through the challenges and stop ignoring them, and to finally accept all of my errors and ways, and to honor me for the first time in my life.

Trauma, death, disease, divorce, abuse… they all affect us and create storms within.  I believe challenging things happen in our lives as a wakeup call for us.  We can focus on those very difficult things and forget the light still exists or you can make the decision to work through those challenges, release them to the universe and live your life with all of your heart and soul.

Be grateful for the little things.  Wake up every morning and find three things you are grateful for.  Identify them and say thank you to them.  When you go to bed at night, think of three things you are grateful for what you were able to do during the day.  This my friend, is what life is about.  Finding the simple pleasures in life is what makes me smile.

Today, I am grateful that you are reading this blog, that I get to share this with you, and that I have forgiven myself and others enough to be able to do this with pure love in my heart.

I would be so grateful for your feedback and dialog.

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Cathleen L
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An appropriate card for today. See only the beauty in life. When others are gossiping or looking at what is difficult you can focus on the good in any situation. Cathleen